Life and Loss at the Ocean Club in Cape May

People come and go in your life and most do not make an impression one way or the other.  Others try to impact your life and set out to make a difference....people like our teachers, friends and family. Sometimes, if God is smiling at us, we are privileged to get a glimpse of a very different kind of person; humble, unassuming, honest, generous and one who lived by the golden rule. Integrity was his middle name.....This person is Naim Nezaj.

I knew him as Nick....the owner of the Ocean Club Hotel in Cape May, NJ....my home away from home for the past 2 summers. I spent 10 weeks at the hotel in 2012 and spent all my days at the Tiki Bar writing my novel.  I repeated the work schedule at the Tiki Bar this summer....banging out the pages as people celebrated summer...around me.

There were constants in my time at the Ocean Club.  Nick's extended family was always around doing the various tasks necessary in running the hotel.  Friendliness abounded and I felt at home and very happy.

Sadly Nick died in a car accident about 5 weeks ago; a tragic loss to his family and his Cape May community.  While writing at the Ocean Club I saw him about 3 times a week.  He always said hello and made me feel welcomed, in fact one of the conversations I had with him, I explained that I needed to rent a house for the 2013 summer because I had 4 dogs and could not leave them in a kennel for that length of time.  He said simply..."Work it out...you belong here with us.  You are part of the hotel family now!"

Those words, along with the kindness, generosity and warmth that I received from he and his family and friends.....changed my life forever. It will always remind me of the goodness in people and to focus on the positive....a beautiful life's lesson.  There is no promise of tomorrow.

My heart ached with Nick's loss and that speaks volumes for his impact on my life.  I can only imagine the others that he has touched unknowingly....and the loss for his wonderful extended family.

I am glad that I told him how he and his family and the beautiful Ocean Club impacted my life.

I will be back at the hotel soon enough and I know Nick will be over seeing it all from his special place in heaven.

As I Prepare to Leave......Beautiful Cape May

I like to look back over these two months.  I am grateful for the loneliness of this summer.  No matter what is going on in your life, when all is said and done we enter this world alone and leave it alone.  All the in between time we fill it with "the stuff" of life that matters to each one of us in a different way. My stuff was writing 5-8 hrs. a day.  Between the dogs and their need for exercise, (especially with a 9 month old puppy) and writing, and eating healthy...which is a pain in the neck, but necessary when you are trying to eat healthy....there wasn't much extra time.  Everyone I knew was working very hard this summer.

I had endless dog walks with the four pups with me this year.  I bought a bike and rode it to and from work which was a lot of fun and a great way to burn some extra calories.  I was careful about my carbs and was bored with the food choices.  A natural vegetarian, I am happiest with grains and veggies but ate differently to push a sluggish thyroid!

But the bottom line....and I am all about the bottom line....I worked hard....accomplished what I set out to do and it's time.

What's Blowing with the Wind in Cape May?

It is crazy windy here in Cape May!  With all the complaining I hear at the bar, I shut down my negative meter because it is over the top. With all the women upset because their hair if getting messed up and the men complaining that their hats are blowing off....I am looking for the silver lining as usual. For me the wind brings words of wisdom and feelings of the beauty of nature.  I belong in that nature with the wind messing up my hair and tiny fish swimming through my legs. I definitely prefer a hands and feet playing in sand, kind of life!

Who Put the "D" in Dysfuntion

When I sit in a pubic place and work eight hours a day I inevitably get asked questions as to why I  am there. I simply explain I am writing about a relationship between a mother and daughter.  Everyone pipes in with a comment about their relationship with either their mother or daughter and how dysfunctional every relationship is to some degree. It's true. What we think is normal and okay is not to someone else. It may push the boundaries of normal to the point of abnormal and morally wrong but having never been taught that in their family, they do not understand your morals and values.

It's very difficult to let someone into your circle with such blatant differences but writing about it is a whole lot of fun!

While Biking in Cape May.....

Beautiful Harbor at Cape May

....I drove by the harbor and saw the most awe inspiring views!  I stopped my bike every few minutes to use my iphone to take pictures.  I felt immersed in nature with the thick grass blowing in the wind  and the waves gently slashing against the shore line.

There are many people who play at life without smelling, tasting, feeling and playing.  Do you remember the feeling of the wind in your hair the first time you felt it as a little child? Think back and try to visualize how wonderful that experience was. Be there....stay there...live there.

Random Acts of Kindness

Yesterday was a long work day.  By the time I finished writing and backing up x 6....I packed up my computer at 7 P.M. A lovely couple was sitting at the end of the bar and started talking with me. She began to tell me about having lost three family members in a year.

Unfortunately, I could identify explaining that I missed sharing manuscripts with my greatest critic/greatest fan; my mother.  I expressed that it is difficult to constantly motivate yourself based on your own opinion. 

We said our good-byes and I thought that was the end of the conversation.  It wasn't.  I was deep in thought and deep in typing when I felt the arms of a stranger wrap around me and say, "you're doing a great job...keep moving forward....you can do it.  I believe in you."

I turned around to find the sweet lady from the earlier conversation.  She smiled at me with such kindness, my eyes began to tear.

I hope I get another chance to thank her, but I told her I would pay it forward.  It was such a lovely gift.

Lemons to Lemonade....AGAIN!

I know that I speak about making lemonade from lemons....a lot.  That is because life has a way of throwing you a curve ball...when you least expect it. It is kind of exciting to start over again and again, but the truth is it is comforting to know what to expect like the warmth of an old sweater.

It seems as if I am being given the message to throw away all those comforting sweaters that keep me warm with past memories but are filled with rips, tears and holes.  I really do own one.  It is supposedly made of recycled plastic and it's extraordinarily lightweight and warm at the same time.  It is so fragile at this point, that washing it threatens its very existence!  A little spritz of perfume goes a long way and adds another few months to the life of this treasured garment. I feel safe and happy in that timeworn jacket.  If it could speak there would be volumes to tell....the tears....the joy...the worries and sorrows that this simple object (along with a good strong cup of tea) helped.

Guidance comes in hidden treasures in our life.  We just have to pay attention. Yesterday I bought a pocket guide to Spirit Animals  while taking a writing break.  This book suggests that if a particular wild creature appears in your life may times, it is a spirit guide trying to give you a message. With that in mind, as I was sipping my morning coffee this morning, a male robin flew onto the tree in front of my porch.  He was very boisterous and caused my four puppies to bark back at him.

He remained there, unafraid of the big hairy creatures facing him!  He just kept his face fixated in my direction for much longer than I expected was possible.  On a whim, and not sure if I actually believe the whole animal spirit guide thing...I looked up what it meant in my new book.

"You have a beautiful song inside you...do whatever it takes to share it with the world."

I would be honored and am hopeful that the song is my writing and that it will be received with the same love that I put into every word. What does that have to do with lemonade?  It's simply perspective.  It is lovely sentiment to think that a beautiful robin had a positive message for me this morning.  And if truth be told it's going to take a lot for me to throw out my favorite worn shirt...but if some spirit animal gives me the thumbs up on my old sweater....at least my heart is open to listen.  Hence....some fresh squeezed, sweet and tart lemonade. Partake....drink...of the fountain of life.  Smile when you think of that robin holding up his little thumb up (do robins have thumbs?) as you watch me discard my hole -y jacket while sipping sweet lemonade.

Energy Abounds

Is it me or does anybody feel the energy in the air? For the last three days everything looks brighter and cleaner and even more beautiful than usual.  It's a feeling of happiness that I have never experienced before.  Welcome it with open arms and view life with the presence it deserves.

Last night I had a dream about the book I am presently writing.  It was an epiphany of sorts giving me insight into a story that was perplexing me even though I am the one conceiving it.  I have heard other authors say that they had trouble with certain books and that they were the hardest that they had ever written and to date that hadn't happened...until now.

Time to begin....again. I'll keep you posted.

Cast Adrift

Have you ever wondered why things are so frustrating? It's a hot day at the Tiki Bar...Internet is working for everyone but me. I need to download a pic and I cannot even find it.  Words are not flowing as they usually do at the beach. Alas life is interesting as usual in my world; interesting and frustrating.

Tomorrow is another day! I am looking forward to it!

Passing Through Frustration

This has been a frustrating few weeks! Between a brief stay in the hospital and windows 8, my time has been otherwise occupied. It's crazy difficult to get back on track when you want to get off at the next station and play hooky.

Alas that is my job.  A writer has to write despite the party around you, despite the humidity that threatens the integrity of the computer screen, and despite the voice in my head that says that I should take a vacation day.

I am inspired to be present in this lovely beach haven but in a way that makes me part of the landscape...but everyone who is part of this colorful landscape is laying on red and white towels under a cabana sipping margaritas!

Cape May At It's Finest....

The beauty of nature is always evident in this beautiful sleepy seaside town; not so sleepy at the moment with the palm trees moving in the wind and the breeze blowing my hair as I write. This has been a frustrating start to my work in Cape May.  Windows 8 coupled with a brief hospital stay....word to the wise don't eat organic lettuce....has slowed me down almost to a stop.  Today however, is another beautiful day and the beginning of a new novel.

Mother's and their daughter's have intriguing relationships.  I am both a mother and a daughter and trying to see both sides without prejudice.... has been cathartic and challenging.  This story is one of becoming what you know...not becoming that which you know is correct.  Learned behavior vs. genetics which by the way does not have to be on opposite side of the tracks. 

As usual, I love what I am doing and cannot wait to get underway. 


Nature doesn't lie....beauty is abundant

The Winds are Blowing South.....Again

Last weekend I went to Cape May and walked the beaches.  To my dismay, there were no stones and very few shells.  As I passed fellow collectors I could hear them commenting on how strange it seemed to walk bare beaches.

That time is past.  Those stones have so much healing energy in them....amber, quartz, jasper and even tiny pieces of amethyst. I was drawn to them instinctively and when I got home researched their energetic properties.  It was fascinating how our bodies never lie it just our brains that make us question the validity of simple healing from our very precious earth.

The Tides Keep Changing

Okay.....how many times have I talked about "rolling with the punches" and "making lemonade from lemons?" Here we go again!  When plans change unexpectedly it's a chance for us to find a new path. It's not scary to me it's exciting!  I will keep you posted.  This promises to be a good change.


Making a new friend while getting cedar bark strips in the woods

When the Wind of the Past Blows Backwards

A few days ago I got a call from my best friend from high school.  We met last night, for the first time since then and laughed like we were eighteen again!

I wanted to add a picture of us except that the house that I grew up in, was destroyed in a fire. Years later I found our graduation picture from Morristown Beard but it was so water and smoke damaged, I had to throw it away. Last night I saw Gail for the first time in 39 years. Truthfully, she looked like the same 18 year old girl that I remembered with a few years of life experiences sprinkled sparingly over her beautiful face. In an instant I was transported back to the endless sleepover's and our overly positive view of the world.  By the way...we both are still like that and I don't believe either of us would change that!

When did we get to be in our fifties and how did the time pass so quickly? Our class was an eclectic group of kids coming from all different high schools to attend a small private school in a picturesque setting... with a Headmaster, we woman could wrap around our fingers!  It took until our senior year to be cohesive...and then we graduated and moved on.  It was both wonderful and fleeting.

We reminisced about our time there and specifically about a party where one of our friends brought his Grandfather's homemade Italian wine with fresh peaches soaking in it!  Drinking age was 18 and I remember eating one of those peaches so clearly because it was unbelievably potent.

Life was fun then and magical.  I wanted to go to this school because I was determined to be a pediatrician. Their science program was excellent I studied hard...but then discovered ballet and my world was catapulted to the dance studio and endless rehearsals and bruises.  I am neither a doctor or a ballerina....but I do still dance just in a different arena.  Instead of a stage and pointe shoes, it's a ballroom and high heels.

Gail is an animal activist and an author.  She is accomplished and happy and just as sweet as I remember her.  We made plans to keep in touch...and I know we will both keep our word because the wind of the past is gone and the wind of the future has sped up to warp speed and both of us want to be along for the ride!

Inspiration Comes in Many Colors

Thinking about Cape May....the stones, the sea...here with a feather that fell at my feet, a shell, some sage sprinkled with sweet grass!

My experience in life has taught me to keep my heart and eyes open.  You never know where a connection can be and sometimes it's where you least expect it. Today I connected with a grammar school classmate.  It took me back to her Grandmother's kitchen and the warm and friendly hugs of her family.  The smell in the house was intoxicating and my taste buds were always screaming "thank you," as I walked out the door. 

At the end of the conversation, I was smiling, happy, hopeful and inspired.  Isn't it odd that it is so much easier to focus on the dark side of life? How easy it is to place NO value on simple day to day living and appreciate that which you cannot see or hold. Amazingly though... that lovely intangible can reside somewhere in your heart, lifting the corners of your mouth into a grateful smile, reminding you what truly is important.

Thanks for the memories Sue!

The Dreams of a Writer

Throughout my life, on significant occasions I have had vivid meaningful dreams.  They reflected what was going on in my life; the stress or the joy or the loss.  They were pretty easy to understand and explain.

Once I made the decision to change courses with a project....an interesting thing happened. My dreams followed the same path and storyline as the book.  Every single one details a part of a chapter that as yet has not been written.  I keep a pad and pen by my bed to record the dreams and started to notice that the subject matter was identical to the book.

So the question is: the chicken or the egg?  Which came first?  It's interesting to ponder but the truth is it really doesn't matter as long as it works. The brain is so fascinating.  It's inner functions and workings determine how we think, how our body works and our creativity or lack of it.  My reaction to this is simple: just say "thank you" and get to work.

Switching Gears....Happily....Again!

Happiest with my pups!



I have never walked to the same beat as others.  In fact when I was ballroom dancing regularly, my teacher said to me that I heard extra beats in the music.  It upset me at first because sometimes it would mess up my training...but then I just accepted that it was part of who I am.  The beats were not something that did not exist, they just were not necessary to dance and could complicate the learning process.  I had to learn to expel the extra beats and get out of my own way, while keeping true to me....and my vision of the dance.

In ballroom dancing there is a certain way to use your arms.  At first it was challenging because I came from a ballet background.  Having learned belly dancing in the Middle East, I put my own exotic twist to my hand movements.  My teacher came from a classical Russian background and liked a different style.  I tried very hard to follow his instructions but in the end, I just didn't use my arms at all because none of it felt right until I began dancing .....just for fun.  The new instructor asked me why I did not use my arms; I told him the reason and he began re-training me without the pressure of a competition or performance.  And amazingly, the arms had a life of their own and it was my vision of what my arms should be.....it felt  so good when I did it my way but with the guidance of a pro.

This applies to writing.  A learned person in the industry once said to me..."You have to keep your vision and don't let everyone's opinions change it." I listened...that is what I am doing.  There is a book in me that has been knawing at my psyche for years.  I am doing it now.  It feels right and good and makes my heart sing.





Smiling With the Snow

The snow is delicious

This is K.J. named after King Julian from the Madagascar movie. My daughter thought he looked like the monkey in that movie!  He is a handful and her Christmas gift...and as predicted by more than one person...he ended up in my home after neighbors in her NYC apartment building complained about the little annoying barks coming from this bundle of pomeranian/shih tzu joy! He is with me now and enjoying life as part of the pack with Bella, Nico and Juliet.

Smiling for the cameras....

It is a lovely snow day today.  The puppies are enjoying it and I am smiling watching them, but they are a handful.  Lots of things in life are challenging like my new puppy and his interactions with his new pack.  Caring for them is time consuming and difficult but wonderful at the same time. Some of the characters in the book that is taking me to Europe....are difficult and wonderful also.  My protagonists are difficult together because they are merging  cultures while going to a foreign country ravaged by war.  One of these facts is daunting to face.  All of them together is terrifying but as we will see...they are up for the challenge.  Can they overcome the obstacles of the after effects of war?  Can they face their own fears of finishing the job they set out to do?

When someone tells you NO time and time again...how do you react?  Do you back away or find another route of entry?  Think about it....for a minute....for awhile and see what your answer is!  It will surprise you and give you incite into how you handle your life.

My Dance for Spring

So ready for the colors of spring

I know everyone is ready for spring.  We really didn't have much of a winter in terms of snow, but the cold was a constant reminder of what season prevailed. I personally will be welcoming spring with a happy dance....hmmm what shall I chose?  In my head I am dancing a rumba in the sun to Pasion sung by Sarah Brightman and Fernando Lima. I will celebrate spring in Montenegro hand in hand with my protagonists as I live a month in their lives.

 

 

Very soon I will be in the mountains I have come to know in my novel.  I will sleep in the Monastery outside the bones of a saint and where healing is a normal occurance....a place where people of the world travel to to feel peace and health.  I will walk the same steps as my beautiful protagonist and carry the souls of the tortured children in my heart....more intimately than as the writer....but now as the character I have created....I shall place myself in her heart and let her dictate my actions.

 

 

I am blessed to experience this with my heart family from all over the former Yugoslavia. and Moldova. They will travel with me, film with me, feel the pain of the children with me and finally the triumph of the human spirit.  I foresee a celebration of unprecedented proportions....not is the amount of food....or drink or exotic venue....but in the extraordinary people that I have collected around the world...whom I have chosen....or they have chosen me...our wonderful gypsy family.  My heart beats with anticipation of all the miracles we will see together.

Old Friends and A Book

As you all know, this past summer I spent in Cape May writing a novel.  My time there forever changed me.  The warm people that I met at the Ocean Club Hotel; owners,guests and hotel staff were placed strategically in my path with a purpose. With that visit began the seed of what is about to happen. The Beach at Montenegro will come to life for me allowing me to see it through the eyes of my protagonists.

I am planning to visit a very special place...with a very special person....to visit very special friends...to do something very important to me.  I am aware that this is not the best sentence...especially for someone who writes...but I am beyond excited.  This journey is the finishing touch on this novel. I will be privy to history firsthand and enjoy it in the company of people who grew up in the Balkans. Nail, Donita, Durim, and Stefanie....(my little gypsy family from around the world) I cannot wait to see you again...share a bottle of wine, share old memories and make lots of new ones. Natasha I hope you can meet us over there.  It wouldn't be the same without you!

We are doing something unusual and  exciting and I cannot wait to share it when we return. One thing I can tell you is that I plan to end up in Capri where I will put the finishing touches and write the final chapter. The story however, I hope with touch your hearts forever and stay with you through your own journey in life.

This has been awhile coming to fruition and I feel blessed to have met so many wonderful people of the world who have taken me into their hearts and shared their wonderful lives with me.  Through them and with them, I am realizing a dream and feeding my soul. Thank you for being part of my journey.

Everything Stays the Same....but You and I

I built a house on my property which had 100 year old trees.  I did everything I could to save those trees during excavating...moving drive ways and property lines and giving away small tracts of land.  In the end, with all the engineers and town hall administrators...it did not work. Two beautiful trees that had been planted by my grandfather....had to be cut down.  It was a day of grief for my father who had actually planted those trees with his father.

Those trees had marked that property with the gift of history.  On that day history was changed. The trees were removed and were no longer there for my father to see daily.  However, two small children now inhabited that land that before was completely unbuildable.  Laughter replaced the leaves changing color.  Giggles replaced branches covered in snow. Grandchildren ran into Poppy's arms and hugged him....a man who before was like the oak tree....stoic and unmoving. I have said it before. Perspective is a beautiful thing.

The Year of the Storms: From Nature and the Heart

A hurricane and a blizard graced our land this year.  Winds, rain, high waves, wet snow, and loss of electricity frustrated us but also fascinated us.  Nature is beautiful and frightening at the same time. Sometimes that is also an adequate description of a character in our life.  The frightening part needn't be dangerous frightening like a tsunami, but more like a reaction that does not make sense to the average thinking person. 

There are people born with a disease that doesn't allow them to feel pain.  Imagine if you had a child who put his hand on a hot radiator or stovetop?  As a mother your first reaction would be to tell them it's hot and to grab their hand away from the danger.  It is intinctual and it is the right thing to do; it makes sense.

When there is an emotional storm in our lives think about the way you react.  Do you eat extra food? Do you cry? Do you fall apart or are you the one that holds the family together? My most recent character is riding the waves of the aftermath of a "tsunami-like" disaster in her life. Death surrounds her best friend and it breaks her heart and she wants to comfort her, knowing only time can heal this deep wound. It is frightening to her that she cannot take the pain away from her friend who is lost in an abyss of gut wrenching pain. Will it ever go away?

How Do You Define....You?

Gabe was a long distance runner.  He defined himself based on how fast he ran.  The friends who surrounded him liked his fame as did the pretty girls that wanted to be in his presence. He had charisma and people were drawn to him like a magnet.

One day while running, he felt something pop in his leg, but like a seasoned athlete he continued.  Limping off the field, he realized something was very wrong.  The pain was increasing by the minute and he was nauseated. He reached the parking lot and tried to open the car door but lost his balance. No longer able to bear weight on his leg, he collapsed in the parking lot.  Luckily, his teammate had followed him "just in case."

Unfortunately for Gabe, his injury was career ending.  The pretty girls brought him chicken soup every day until the final diagnosis that told Gabe he could never run again.  In fact, he would be lucky if his limp disappeared. His friends and teammates surrounded him with love....for a minute.  Then one by one they disappeared.  He had no family and he felt orphaned by the  circumstances of his life. 

And then it happened.  Gabe had a dream.  Everybody finally knew what he had felt in his heart his whole life.  Defining his life by his ability to run and his success at doing it....had destroyed him.  He was a fraud.  He was left alone with only his kind giving heart...and no one bothered to notice.